There have been days this year when simply getting out of bed has been the greatest task that I knew I would face. There have been loves worth talking about and ones I wish I could erase from my memory. There have been moments of extreme pride and lackluster showings full of intense disappointment. I have been pleased with the growth that I've begun yet still struggle with some basic developments that are sure to catapult me to the next level. I can not be afraid of my own potential. Sometimes I fear that I've become comfortably complacent which is much worse than the uncomfortable complacency that I fostered a few years back. How does one shake this complacent disease. I tell you this. I will learn today. This is my year of unparalleled growth. Somehow I feel in my spirit that I wont have a choice. Some things that have revealed themselves recently have foreshadowed exactly what I am to expect in the upcoming year. Some of which I was originally stoked to arrive upon and others that I thought I would approach with trepidation. This year I approach everything with stark enthusiasm. Caution just doesn't seem to be for me. Not really. I make cautious decisions and I am stunted. I am someone who is not afraid to take a risk. Someone who is encouraged by my own willingness to take the path less chosen. I am someone who leads by example that there is more than the most common way to get something done. And the challenges that we face do not have to be carried on our face.
I was someone who used to carry a high regard for my own well-being. I cared about my ability to wake up happy and to have others encouraged by my smile. And then somehow, someway I lost my way. I started to believe that smiling through my own difficulty somehow made me a fraud. As if I owed despondency to the world when my situation turned dire. The truth is, the only one that I owe anything to is myself. Do I deserve to see my own reflection lacking hope. Who cares what I show the world. Isn't it quite unfair of me to allow ME to see myself that way. Lacking in drive, succumbing to the pressures and difficulties that may be the present. I owe it to myself to push. I owe it to myself to LOOK like the conquerer that I know myself to be. I owe it to myself to realize my own potential, to welcome my own exuberance and celebrate my own persistence. If I can't show me that than I am quite sure no one else will be able to either. That's what self-motivated means. It is time to get back to life. Back to my life. Back to the reality of me. She who never gives up and ALWAYS eventually comes out on time. Now on to shortening that learning curve.